02.January.2013

Last week, the hot Shadowsynth band ALTAiR prevented the cataclysmic destruction of Earth. Since 2008, astronomers have known about a huge asteroid looming in space with a trajectory that takes it right into the path of our home planet. The asteroid, fondly named "Big Mac" by scientists, was large enough to encompass the state of Texas. Its arrival and subsequent collision with Earth would have wiped out all life, leaving behind only single-celled organisms, cockroaches, and the has-been group "Hanson."

The members of ALTAiR were concerned about this, not because of the threat to the creatures of Earth, but because of the inevitable possibility of Hanson/cockroach hybrids repopulating the planet.

"Such a combination would surely spell disaster for the entire cosmos," Erik said in an interview last night.

Cage then added, "We don't even want to know how ugly those bastards would be, considering the repulsive, hag-like appearance of those bugs."

"Yeah, and those cockroaches are kinda ugly too," said Aaron.

The top scientists of the world attempted in vain to stop the approaching asteroid, but nothing was successful. Huge volleys of nuclear missiles were fired at it, but those actions only served to knock insignificant chunks out of the rock, conveniently shaping it into the likeness of a large human skull.

But ALTAiR was not discouraged. Realizing their music held more energy than the collective nuclear arsenals of the world, they quickly left their orbitting space platform to intercept the asteroid with the intent of playing a concert there. Not ones to miss an opportunity to grab some quick cash, the band sold tickets to the show at $20 million each.

After setting up their gear and tuning their golden instruments to the mystical "ALTAiR frequency," the concert began. 27,000,000 watts of acoustical power pumped through seemingly endless towers of speakers, but luckily there wasn't enough atmosphere to deafen the fans. During the performance of the ever-popular "Something Eerie," the asteroid began to crumble, and by the time ALTAiR could get halfway through "Finality" there was nothing left but trillions of tiny pebbles and one large chunk where the stage was located.

The fans went back happy, and the ALTAiR suited up in fireproof spacesuits and rode the remaining piece of asteroid through the atmosphere. As it fell, the rock got smaller and smaller, until it was barely big enough to hold the band. Clearly, they had planned ahead, as the meteor fell precisely on a large X painted on a massive stage, where the fans were already waiting. It crashed through the stage with a thunderous force, and for a few moments everyone thought ALTAiR might be dead. But they stood out of the hole triumphantly, and as the crowd cheered they continued the concert.

So once again the members of ALTAiR save the world from certain demise, proving themselves to be superhuman saviors of the solar system.